childhood

when the music is over, the lights come on to show the decent soul.
once in awhile we get those sanguine souls and restless toes that hope for yet another mo.
staving off unnecessary interventions is what some people do. that's what i choose to do too.
for those who take things ex-ante, this is just our forte.
ugly truth be told, no one wants to be defeated, no.
the godfathers pay their dues, as they gather them thugs who break the rules, yet no one gives a hoot or two. that's what we do. if we might, we beat the lights just for what they call a fight.
the music is over, when we say it's over. it ain't over. watch us hover over their shoulders.

a price to pay

nine years ago, i appeared at the entrance of a provision store with a friend. this friend of mine was extremely inquisitive and he loved all sorts of thrills and challenges. a fortunate pity maybe, i wasn't. at that very entrance, he emptied half of the books he brought to school that day from his bag into mine, and muttered under his breath, "it's gonna be fun, watch me." i felt uneasy knowing he had an unreasonably huge risk appetite, and began backing off from where i was until i stood about 20 metres from the store. but i still made sure i could do what he told me to do - watch him get some fun.

when he was in, he headed straight for the kitchen appliance section. there, he found what he wanted - little tins of liquid fuel. each yellow tin was marked with a prominent red fire logo, indicating its flammable nature. they were fairly visible from where i was standing as they periodically let off a sparkle due to the reflected light rays from the moving cars that hot sunny afternoon. one by one, tin by tin, my friend dropped what he wanted into his bagpack which by then was already slung over only one side of his shoulder and pulled to the front, positioned nicely in between where he was standing and the shelf.

"c'mon, c'mon...", i chanted to myself as i tightened my jaw, still mesmerized perhaps by his apparent act of "bravery". truth be told, i wanted him to be succeed. for what exact reasons i had no idea. it could be that i just wanted my friend to be safe or it could be that i just wanted him to really end up having more fun than fear. but well, i did remember i stood in envy, thinking how things could have been so easy for him while it definitely wouldn't have been so for me. as i began gathering my thoughts, he had already moved on to his exit strategy after pacing up and down the store for a couple of minutes to appear confident he couldn't find what he needed in order to eliminate suspicion. at this instance, something else caught my eye. i could sense danger as the shopkeeper, an old man probably in his sixties, made his way for the exit in much greater haste. it seemed clear to me as a dedicated spectator that his intention was to thwart my friend's plan to escape scot-free.

my heart stopped momentarily as he blocked the exit ready for the inevitable ugly confrontation. i couldn't do lip-reading but somehow it didn't take me too much trouble to figure out the exact content of the conversation they had. the shopkeeper had appeared frustrated after a short 20-second negotiation and reached out for the juvenile delinquent's bag. what happened next was perhaps the climax of the many spectacular incidents i've witnessed in my entire life then. i stared in utter disbelief as my friend charged desperately towards the old man with the intention of taking him down before making his escape run. well i figured my friend snapped - he must have. the old man stayed down raising his hands signalling he was in great pain while shouting profusely to those around him for the thief to be caught. i couldn't bear with the sight any longer. i boarded the bus that appeared just in time in front of my face to block me totally from the traumatising scene. it also appeared in time to make me what i clearly did not sign up for - an accomplice.

nine years later, i spoke to the same friend. he had since escaped from the store which he went through great lengths never to step near for nine years. but beyond that, he had escaped from the law, from his conscience for nine years. one trivial note though, he'd left what he'd taken, by the entrance of store, one month after the incident took place but it didn't mattered that much especially to him since some damages that he had done could never be removed.

it appears to me he has lived in regret and remorse thinking about what he has done while not being able to fully atone for a grave mistake that he has once chosen to run away from.

nine years later, today, i feel exactly the same way he did nine years ago.

as the man himself says, "you can run and hide from some mistakes, but some mistakes will always stay fresh in your head. the only expensive option you have is to face the music and make it go away by making up for it day by day. knowing that's really the only way."

i hope one day, all these will really go away.

not all is ever lost, ever.

engaging in speculative activities gives you two outcomes, either you win, or you lose. oh and let's not forget the draw, but that in my experience, rarely happens. fortunate or unfortunate for me, recently, i've allowed myself to seek relief from speculative pleasures amidst the not so immense pressure from mundane nine to five, actually six, working world. well it turns out it does cost me quite a little for such pleasure.

as much as i'd love to throw in a few self-comforting words to console myself of the losses i've incurred, or even allow the sour grapes feeling to consume me entirely, i must admit that indeed there were some lessons to be learnt, which i've found pretty much very valuable to the average speculator, or gambler, if i must say.

during moments when we were terribly down, we tend to make irrational decisions which will serve only to exert additional pressure to ourselves and more often than not these choices we make will give us unfavorable outcomes which so happen to bring us further down the losing end. the only way to improve the situation for yourself is not to simply take on more risks, or increase the stakes pertaining to subsequent bets. i won't discredit the fact that with higher speculation, there comes greater profits. which in financial terms we've coined it the risk-return trade-off. but perhaps, the more fundamental issue here is, how much risk can you afford to take?

looks like somebody didn't come out a loser that much after all. there's a lesson behind every phenomenon.

don't we all love life now?

A Ran-doom Walk Down War Street

I can still vividly recall that not too long ago, the Dow fetched many of us the bacon with an all time high. Not too surprisingly but more of shockingly, we made history once again. Between last Christmas and the next which has yet to arrive, the Dow has fallen by 5600 points.

I use to think market watching gets a little interesting at times simply because you get to witness the funny things we do to drive the market crazy. And I get especially thrilled taking a random walk down Wall Street to see the market go on steroids. Somehow, this time if you see what I see, you might share my sentiment – this is not funny anymore.

Start with this for some quick reality check to digest – many major football clubs that you and I love ever so much are in severe debt due to the credit crunch and I shit you not, they may be going down if they don’t get it sorted out.

A friend (Ye Zhong) said to me today, “Wah Eugene, the Dow is quite shag. Think about it, it has fallen 600+ plus points (-10%) in one day."

A true friend I am as usual, I’ve been thinking about what that 10% plunge is signaling. Then I start to see the signs as to how bloody low the word “shag” can bring us down to. I hope Ye Zhong feels the same way too, as I continue now to read into that number to come up with an answer.

Try this with me. What do you see?

This test has probably been done a million times. Yet it continues to provide one of the key reasoning to account for the mess that we’re in right now. Perception, perception. Everyone’s seeing the market as a half-empty glass of water, totally ignoring the fact that it is actually half-filled. Why buy now when it only gets cheaper? Unless we start believing that we cannot go lower further together, we’re going down in this bear market together.

Let’s leave humans being humans aside and go right into governments being governments. The regulators did their jobs. I bet you noticed that when they started deciding who should fall and who shouldn’t. We all feel their presence, and of course we recognize their power even more when they go deep into their pockets to make sure the best companies stay in this bear market. I welcome rebuttals for this stand but I feel very strongly that it is time. It is time they reciprocate this very public recognition and respect of their power by also recognizing the power of the free market. Let the bad barrels fall and the market will correct itself. Yes, no doubt they were good barrels once, and they drove the economy during the glory days, but it is time we start afresh. While one may argue that good barrels in the markets now are what make the apples good, I beg to differ. In actual fact, it has never been this way. Markets fall, barrels topple, but good apples will always stay.

As the big forest fire continues to burn - pardon me - let the motherfucker burn. Quit trying to stop it with human intervention. Leave it be and as history has proven it, between now and zero, there will come a point where we start flat, ready to grow our trees again.

I guess it doesn’t take too long before another 2 investment houses get nationalized, but I still see no volunteers to take the lead to drive the bull down Wall Street again. Well who can we blame? It is human nature, after all.

Future Rehearsals

Fed sure took awhile before coming into this beautifully tainted picture. And when he does, he transform the implicit assumptions into explicit terms. Apparently, he claims he's in control now, and how's that for a all-time explicit transformation.

Freddie and Fannie sitting under the tree, D I S S I N G. The last time I checked, we were subtly asking who they are doing this to. But who are we kidding? It has got to be us - you and me included. Well recently of course, Fed was brave enough to intuitively take the initiative for the bailout of our long time dream builders. It seems almost like he's willing to take the entire rap for the massive crap that has been caused. However, don't get me wrong here, Freddie and Fannie are right to build dreams, for they are created to do so. But I guess we were all guilty of standing by as they started building too many castles on the tree they were on. And that was when things turned awry and the castles started toppling down on us. To sidetrack from the heat of the situation, in my opinion, they should be renamed Bob instead. Yeah, Bob the Builder. This one's unique though, they're responsible for the building of castles in the American dream.

If you're one of those who got "surfed" - while being served - big time in the recent crunch caused by the Famous Fs - Freddie, Fannie and now Fed - my heart goes all the way out to you. Yet before we start shooting our mouths off, we'll want to give it some thought to save ourselves from making the same old mistake of shooting ourselves in our own legs again. Seriously, did we even ever dare to assume that we're gonna survive without them or this ordeal? The thought of this assumption makes me cringe. Personally, I believe it's hardly even possible given any market conditions we have experienced or any we may potentially face.

Time and time again, research has everything we need to prove that the superpower houses still have it. In essence, have what? My sentiments exactly. It doesn't take 2 shots at the bloombird to realize that no one has nothing of much substance lately. For one thing is certain, and that is uncertainty. No one sees a dime as a dime anymore. It always looks more than one but yet it consistently proves otherwise.

Pessimism is a sin, I insist, as the only way to get out of the mess we all play a part in creating is to think otherwise. As the next crunch awaits, we've got this perculiar bunch holding on to their very own unrealistic view that we may not get hit by the recession off our shore afterall. From my observation, we're obviously already in one. Face the music, spread the things we hold on to ever so tightly and together we can all build better dreams than Bob.

HYPE

game on. recall and we all say aye. guilty of playin' 'i spy with my eye' yet shy of guessing where and why. now how's that for something money can't buy. gonn' share the hype before i lose the 'psych'.

above all:

hype is not knowing what you don't know. the apparent ironic element of this phenomenon appears to be once again rather bearish - in financial terms, they call it risk-risk.

hype is the audacity of hope - barack hussein obama II. hold your breath, the white house is on fire yet again.

under the radar:

hype is turning what's fake orginal to give the original fakes.
hype is juice clot at the wrong heads with the right girls.

hype is staying undercover longer than you think.

hype is a porter at the tokyo head office.

hype is obeying the propaganda giant.

hype is skaterboys surfin' off the wall.

hype is when tokyo kiks sneaks in.

hype is keepin your fingercroxxed.

hype is juxtaposition through collaborations.

hype is hype.

got hype?

Today's Breakaway Will Bite Back Tomorrow.

As the subprime crisis continues due to the ongoing credit market turmoils, the powerhouse prices goes up, appearing almost ready to weather another storm. The toppling of one giant Bear, illustrates the helplessness of the drowning Bull. The bull never sees red. Red comes as blood shed. Blood shed by the layman brothers, merry leech, goodman sex, shitty bangs and many more.

The sector needs to shrink by at least a few hectars, yet our nation's people, myself included, have never considered that as a factor. We continue to hunt for the next Bear for our breakaway before it falls all over again. We pray that the Bull changes its view of red, to push past its slump for that victorious day. Only through this way our efforts pay off in many ways.

Let's hope the night doesn't get too dark just before the dawn, for the darkest night might just bite back tomorrow for a little too long.

eye play

the ultimate trickery of a lifetime lies beyond the thin line.
yet staying on the line keeps us blind.
the good thing is, we all try.
there's still someone waiting to slice the pie.

surprise surprise

i'm not anywhere near that. a routine, that's what i call it.
they say you don't kill a man the way you don't wanna get killed.
yet i don't sense a trace of respect left for him.
give me solace. give me grace.
this one's for real. this one's gonn' tell.
hopes are kept high, though i wish to keep them down.
i kept my fingers crossed and prayed that history not repeat itself.

it all happens for a reason. what a relief from that line for both sides.
well o' well, i wish you well.
i'm waiting for mine.
it should come soon.
or maybe not.

karma police comes after you.
believe it or not. someone's watching, that's your call as a matter of fact.
we practice what we preach, not. what's with the ritual. they don't mean a thing sometimes.
look up ahead at what the fathers have done.
godfather is watching you, beyond what our fathers have done.
give it a thought, who tied the knot?

work it

the goldfish swims around all day looking for food to swim around all day.
history has it. sayings have it. they say it. we have it.

8:15 wakeup calls.
8:45 train rides.
9:15 morning greetings from the fishes who've started looking for food.
9:30 coffee run.
10:00 more coffee runs.
12:15 mid-day meetings with the fellow interns.
13:30 back to the tank.
13:45 the same fishes will ask, "thank god eugene, how do u find your food for lunch?"
14:00 coffee run.
18:00 leaving the tank. to return again.
any other time, work.

the puerto rican goes on, livin' la vida loca.

Ethics

"The difference between 'lie' and 'lay'
Has fallen into deep decay.
But now we know from Enron's shame
That Lay and "lie" are just the same"

This one's from the latest dilemma i faced with that of multiple selves.
One clash of multiple ethical selves caused Baxter to kill himself.
Almost needless to say, a heart attack too took the life of Lay.
The slightest adoption of the veil of ignorance, would have cloud our judgment, of who's the real victim in that situation.
I ain't anywhere close to being a foe, just doing my part in keeping y'all in the know:

Fools rush in, when angels fail to tread. As the race goes on, we tend to focus on the riches beyond the pawns. I'll love to hedge my bet on this but believe me this time round. Some old clever clogs are hidden deep within the pawns. They've got a whistle in their mouth, ready to blow on anyone just slightly caught with their pants down. In light of the infamous Enron scandal, we're forced to access the severity of being caught in the crossfire, let alone that of being caught red-handed. Here's a plausible excuse I've yet to use: Do it the ol' school way, believe in the Pygmalion Effect to support the facts anyway.

PS: What is this i hear about a terrorist in the lurk?
Tell me that dude's ain't gonna be in my neighborhood.

remember the name

the calling out was never done in the least possible rightful manner.
yet i hear her. screaming from deep within under any weather.

i stared hard on the local tv set. no effort was needed in doing that.
i stared right through that. not on purpose but just the lack of focus that i had.

all i ever did, was to wait for a deed.
or for an answer. that will never falter.

the act of deceiving has brought me here.
i could go on beer.
but i've gone on to steer.
now off the track i will never veer.

who would've thought i'd come this far,
when i acted like i was behind bars?
nah, all i heard was rah tah tah,
on how im just a lucky fella.

we have trust issues.
you know we do.
ma bad under ma own cells and tissues,
for the wrongs i've done to you.

but think again.
who has it to gain when i go for fame.
i go through pain,
for the name of the game.
it's your name, his name, again and again.

hopes are never meant for the drain.
never in my context i shall claim.
anything less than 'your names' for my game.

i need a break, when i get a break.
but i get a bait, to draw me dead.
yet i hold on to my greatest take:
mankind is great,
because it is a dream that we try to make.
a special year ahead.
before that date, take a leap of fate.

checkmate.

options are opened, still.

every once in a while i picture a dust trail following an old red nova.
liberty spasms call on me in a random fashion. freedom, freedom. the lack of it and you can catch me in my post mortem.
random as it may be, the feeling of tar and fast cars brings me further from the definition of far.

or so the latest vulgarity i have learned is conformity. one look is all it takes. offensive. when the word was first used, who took it offensively that deliberately? hardly anyone as i can see. see what it has done to me. a prey in this system with a white id. retrospectively and thankfully, it ain't what the soldiers call the 11b.

according to egalitarians, everyone gets a fair share of the cake. at this very moment. you should listen to the man of theories.
close your eyes.
open it again.
what do you see?
if i ain't no longer there like a bumble bee.
where else can i be?
ask the attorney,
who slices the cake actually?

that little something

believe i read faces when i say cause me pain hedi slimane.
as u hear em speak, u might as well just hear me talk shit.
g's been around long enough to tell me he keeps forgetting.
the best part is, he tries to remember.
my sentiments exactly g, way back to the days you feel pain.
when was the last time i start asking:
"i can't seem to forget something".

dreambeam

mankind is great because we all have dreams.

say aye if u feel me without a jinx. the solicited stays certain yet obscure. this oxymoron is probably one that we can live with. not for long but long enough for the realization of the very reason of why we are great, to actually occur. we have a dream, we all do i suppose. that being said, you can possibly guess what is about to come next.

for all that is worth, if you've been keeping up with the records, you probably will have heard of this one. i have a dream, says martin luther king. a man like all of us. a man with a dream. i would but with much discretion then resentment agree with you if you'd thought that he made a unique choice. a choice to take his greatness elsewhere, somewhere most of us took 20 years just to simply understand what he was trying to do. nevertheless, the resemblance between the current and that of the past in what we dream leaves me in constant doubt. of late, it has occurred to me that king's style was probably the style. i been keeping it my style. high time we hit things round the corner and do it the orator's style.

with that much talk about personal style we can't possibly leave this one out. follow me through this. one man. did a brokeback. a joker. naked on his bed. drugged. dead. seriously. like seriously. that brought us to take a look at the other end of the spectrum. somehow or rather, it appears to me, he, too, took a unique approach. but believe it or not, this time round i think he deserves all the respect for the roles he has played in our lives. no worries, i ain't near to just about starting that minute of silence. perhaps, this man did have a dream. well at least he had a daughter. that might just be his dream.

i have a dream, since i was 17. may we all live the dream.

a narrow squeeze

the last time i checked i was in debt. when that happened, someone lent me a helping hand. of late, i lack the luxury of getting lucky with benign acts. 23 tells me living on credit is unethical. as age catches up on me, i start to convince myself and those around me, it is not viable for me to think easy. easy is for E, but on the contrary, it ain't for me. what makes me tick, is simple yet a mystery. same rule applies for those around me, "do unto others before they do unto you".

a vicious predisposition for one's behavior to begin with, yet a logical progression down the timeline. before i start realizing what's amiss, seize the moment to increase the beat. the last time i checked, i heard of carpe diem before i was 23. say aye if you feel the breeze.

sneak peek

got my feet wet, so here's another step.
a feeling of vast discomfiture, i don't wanna have.
so spot the feet of clay and correct me if im wrong.

xmas is a time to share.
if sharing can give health.
the first person i shared my wealth with this xmas is jack.
for all that is worth, jack purcell, one who gives a clean bill of health.
this one's just in from leftfoot.
healthy merry xmas y'all.

the itch is strictly prohibited

he who resorts to raking up the past, lives in the past.
the search is on above what has been found.
like scavengers we hunt as though all has been lost without holding ground.
damage control 101: salvage the band, stop while you still can.
reluctance to start has never outweigh the reluctance to stop.
the sheer willingness to start makes it ever so difficult to end.
take a hike towards the console as not everyone gets the fair chance of a wanted return.
sojourn. sojourn. that's all you get.
A is for Andy as it is for Advice:
live the game like you love the game.

say what?

it ought to have long occurred to many that it may just seem a little too convenient for us to take a break before realizing everything is over altogether once again. with that being said, i begin yet another different yet difficult quest towards having people picture me as what is called the "P" word. all i know is, the last time i did it, it got me scalded really bad, real bad. bad could just have been an understatement after all. nobody comes out of it unhurt. high time, i figure, it gets reveled as a what we will broadly classify as a one way street - what goes in never comes out and perhaps ought to just stay the same. it's an arms race never worth fighting. long awaited as it may seem, fellas worship it just in time to get outta it. somehow i feel, we don't like it. i don't like it. even the bystanders do certainly show that they don't like it. so why then, do we do it? one question i will love to take. while i still have it, think again folks, if we ain't in, who's in it? if we don't do it, will the bystanders even benefit from it?

when it's a race to three, it may take more than three to complete this race. you don't like it? well, u know what folks, think again.

i don't miss, i think

12pm. trip to that ever so familiar land where the sun rises for the bird(s) to play possum.

2pm. police 'catches' thief way easier than games we used to play when nothing seems to be of much worry to us. what we didn't know was that thieves, they break out of prisons.

5pm. breaking out isn't my forte. but i needed to do it once in a while to get some air.

7pm. the golden compass. effectuated a sleep in me instantaneously.

11pm. prawning session turned location identification ride turned phone searching experience.

3am. perseverance prevails when all else fails. if you ever had a moment when all is lost, all just could be found.

4am. one last conversation before the next in a good 20 days.

5pm the next day. signs of old age as memories start to fade. tell me again, what happened yesterday. all that i could remember was someone was still there yesterday.